Superior Taco
by ramen-is-my-goddess
Summary: Xemnas is in his office one day when a strange noise sets off a chain of events that will scar five Nobodies for the rest of their non-existence...rated T for language. Crackish.


**No, I'm not entirely dead...and I just want to point out that I may possibly post a random oneshot here or there, but I doubt you'll be seeing an update for my chapter'd stories, just like my profile stated. Sorry.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH or the characters. Or the song Smack That by AKON.**

**This is a random, crackish, drabbly deal centered on Xemnas. IU (sort of), OoCness, bad mouthed Axel**

**BLAH!**

* * *

In a dark place known only as The World That Never Was, in a large castle full of nothingness, overlooked by the dimly shining, heart-shaped moon, sat a cloaked figure in a white office. The walls, the floor, the desk, the chair, all white, starkly contrasted by the figure adorned in black.

All was peaceful here, or, what peace a non-being such as the figure could claim.

Until the low grumble of an empty stomach sounded through the room.

Xemnas, the Superior of Organization XIII, better known as the 'immature delinquents' by his second in command, Saix, lifted his head, his hood falling to reveal silvery hair and tanned skin. Amber eyes scanned the room, searching out the source of the noise.

There it was again!

Blinking, Xemnas sat back and stared down at his middle. Was that strange sound really coming from him? Indeed, no…right?

"Saix!" as soon as the order came, a dark portal opened in the center of the room and out stepped the Lunar Diviner.

"Yes, Superior?" Saix's expression remained mild as he folded his arms behind his back and awaited his orders.

The rumbling came again and Xemnas stood. "Do you hear that, number VII?"

Tilting his head to the side slightly, Saix nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Well?"

Saix blinked, expression blank.

Xemnas closed his eyes. Though they were Nobodies and thus, had no hearts, meaning no emotions, he could almost have sworn that he was…aggravated.

"What do you make of it?"

"Superior sir…"

"There! Did you hear it?! Do you hear it, number VII?!" Xemnas started stalking around the room quickly, searching out what could be making the noise.

Saix's yellow eyes slid shut and his shook his head slightly. "Superior, I believe that it's coming from you."

Xemnas froze as his previous suspicions were confirmed. "Why in Kingdom Hearts' name would _I_ be making that sound?"

For some odd reason, it seemed as if Saix were trying to fight back a smirk. "Sir, you are merely hungry."

"Oh…yes…of course, I knew that, number VII…I was…testing your…hearing." Xemnas replied hesitantly, straightening and crossing his arms. "Very well, but it is still hours until dinner."

Sighing, Saix turned to leave. "If that is all you needed me for, sir, I should really get going back to keeping those brats in line."

Frowning, Xemnas held a hand out to Saix before the Diviner could step through another portal. "WAIT!" when Saix paused and glanced back curiously, Xemnas continued. "What should I do about…"-his stomach made that rumbling sound again- "That?"

"I suggest you eat something, sir, otherwise you might get cramps." Saix advised as he left.

"…"

**TACOTACOTACOTACO**

Xemnas made sure that no other Nobody was in the kitchen before he completely stepped through the dark portal he had summoned. He'd been cautious, since VIII, IX, and XIII had a habit of raiding the castle pantry on a daily basis.

The coast being clear, the Superior opened the fridge and stared at the contents. Most of it was in containers, and he didn't feel the need to search through them. He saw nothing worthy of instant gratification, so he shut the fridge and moved onto the cupboards. Many of the items in here, he didn't even know of. And he'd fade into nothing before he ate something he didn't recognize.

Nothing caught his interest, and Xemnas shut the cupboards firmly. He stood in the middle of the kitchen, hands on his hips as his stomach continued to fill the silence. This had never happened before. He rarely ate as it was, even during meals…why now, of all times when he had reports to go through and file? When he had plots to…plot…

"Superior?"

Xemnas stiffened and whirled around to see number XIII staring up at him curiously. For such a small, innocent looking boy, XIII certainly had a mean streak and a rather shrewd mind. Deciding he'd pull his 'boss' card, Xemnas crossed his arms and loomed over the smaller Nobody. "Don't you have somewhere to be, XIII?"

The boy's eyes widened considerably before he sputtered, spitting out broken sentences before pointing at the door as he darted out.

Deciding that nothing here would satisfy him, Xemnas portaled back into his office and began to pace. His stomach was starting to irritate him. Not only was it making odd sounds, but it was now beginning to feel strange. Must be those cramps that VII had warned him about…

"Saix!"

Again, a portal instantly opened into his office and Saix stepped out, as cool and blank as ever. "Yes, sir?"

"What is there to eat in this place?"

The Lunar Diviner seemed taken aback at his Superior's strange reference to his own domain. Only the neophytes called their headquarters 'this place'.

"Er…Superior, sir…I believe there is a wide selection in the kit—''

"I've already been to the kitchen, number VII, and nothing was of interest to me."

Saix's brow furrowed as he regarded the Superior. "Well, sir, I suppose you could order out…"

"Hm…sounds interesting, indeed." Xemnas commented. "Very well, where from?"

Shifting around almost uncomfortably, Saix answered, "Sir, the neophytes are the ones who know of any food places around here."

"Well, what have they ordered lately? Surely that will be sufficient."

Saix pondered that for a moment before he answered dryly. "I believe they ordered…tacos, sir."

Hm…Xemnas wasn't too familiar with the food, though he wasn't completely ignorant of what it was, but it had peaked his interest. "Indeed? Very well, bring me a taco…on second thought, make those three trouble-makers fetch it for me."

Saix quirked an eyebrow, "Which kind of taco, sir?"

**TACOTACOTACOTACO**

"Lean back and watch me smack that,"

"All on the floor,"

"Smack that,"

"Give me some more,"

"Smack that,"

"Till you get sore,"

"Smack that,"

"STOP IT, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!"

Axel and Demyx paused in their sashaying down the wide corridors of the castle, their singing coming to an abrupt halt as they turned to regard their young friend.

"Aw, c'mon Roxy, it's a great song." Axel pouted.

Demyx nodded along, mimicking Axel's pout.

Roxas glared at them both. The nickname did nothing to put them back in his good graces…

"You three!"

All of them jumped at the booming order and spun around to see Saix looming behind them.

"What's up, bitch?" Axel asked with a laugh.

Saix's lip curled, a growl rising in his throat. "Watch it, pyro."

Scoffing, Axel shrugged the threat off.

"So…whatcha wantin'? Figured you'd be in the Superior's office, offering your…_services_…" Axel chuckled and wiggled his eyebrows as the two blonds hiding behind his lanky frame giggled nervously along.

Giving the Flurry of Dancing Flames a good, hard glare, Saix finally answered.

"The Almighty Superior of our fine Organization demands that you bring him a taco…grande size…with extra cheese…and no tomatoes...if the taco does not fit with the Superior's specifications, he has ordered that you all be turned into Dusks."

Dumbfounded, the three neophytes stared at Saix, then each other, then Saix again.

"I suggest you three get moving…the Superior isn't going to be patient." The Lunar Diviner disappeared into a portal, leaving Axel, Demyx and Roxas to stare at the empty space where he once stood.

"That…" Roxas began.

"Was…" Demyx added quietly.

"Fucking weird." Axel finished.

**TACOTACOTACOTACO**

Xemnas sighed in what he supposed could be considered contentment. The taco was such a sight. Who knew food could be so…appealing to just _look_ at? The crispy shell, the spiced meat, all that melted, delicious cheese…

"Superior dude!" Xigbar greeted as he appeared in Xemnas' office with a handful of papers. "I jus' f'nished the report on Port Royale, _hic_," the Freeshooter covered his mouth for a moment before continuing. "Here 'tis, dude!"

Paying his drunken subordinate no heed, Xemnas continued to stare at his untouched taco, cradling the wonder in his hands. Kingdom Hearts, but it was beautiful…almost as wondrous and awe-inspiring as Kingdom Hearts itself!

"Suuuuperioooorrr duuuuude…." Xigbar called as he waved the papers in front of Xemnas' face. When he didn't even blink, the Freeshooter carefully set his report on the desk and backed (stumbled) slowly out of the room with his hands held up. "I'll come back later..."

"Oh, my beautiful taco…" Xemnas whispered reverently as he stroked the side of the yellow shell.

And though he hadn't even taken a single bite, his stomach was silent.

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**Muhahaha, yesh, Mansex hath fallen to the power of teh taco!**

**You can review if you want, I frankly don't care...I found this half finished in my documents, so I just gave it some touch-ups and called it done. Hooray for accomplishing something? Perhaps...perhaps...**

**--Ramen**


End file.
